February 6, 2004 - Friday

My Mayerbunny!!! O_O *whimper* Dammit, I want him on a t-shirt. ^^

[^e^] - 12:38 PM PST

Hey Louis!!! Now that you have DSL, tell us how you're doing. ^_^ How's the new job, how's the apt? Are you liking Reno, have you been to the Krispy Kreme down the street yet? Hope you're doing well!

[^Natsuki^] - 8:25 PM PST

February 7, 2004 - Saturday

LOLOLOLOL!!!!!! Mayerbunny got pwned!!!!111111one pwned mayerbunny is teh win!!!!!11

[^o0Kynger0o^] - 12:22 AM PST

February 8, 2004 - Sunday

I dunno, I've been depressed lately. It's not "OMG!!1! THE ANGST! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAAAIN!" depression... more like... lack of direction depression. And when I say lately, it's not like today or yesterday, I mean since like Otakon last year. I think part of it has to do with the 'distancing' between myself and my friends. It's not intentional or that we're not friends or anything... it's just that... well, we're all "growing" up as it were... and we're just moving in different directions. I've never really been good at 'keeping in touch' with my friends as soon as they leave my immediate circle. I mean, I still harbor good will and positive feelings towards them and as soon as I see them again, it's as if I had seen them the day before... it's just that it's just starting to feel more and more difficult to get psionic rebound from my friends. I guess that makes me a vampire ^_^ A lot of my positive energy comes from the reactions of my friends. Heck, thats why I started the comic... to see how my friends would react. It's been a fun ride and I've always enjoyed the comic... just lately, it's been hard to see the reactions of the people this comic was written for... my friends. I usually do get some register from it... but it's a delayed reaction and it kinda loses it's meaning. In my immediate circle, Nats is the only one that I can see that "reaction" to. I used to be able to see it from my brother and A-sama immediately, or the next day. I could often see it from E-chan, Sean, and Jon by the end of the week, latest. Nowadays, I just feel like I'm in an energy 'void' where I get no reactions to my ping, except from Nats. Again, I'm not complaining or anything, just stating facts. It's also not like I don't have readers or visitors to my site. The fact that Nekobox goes through 80 dollars of bandwidth, totalling about 60 gigabytes of traffic a month... it means I have people visiting. Apparently "a lot", not really justified with a number... just... more than "a few". It's just lately, I dunno where I want to go, I guess I'm saying. I've pretty much all but given up my "comic" pursuits (sorry! I love Otherworld... but have no energy to draw it! Perhaps it will be finished as a novel someday?) and Nekobox never really 'has' been a comic. It's pretty much always been a portrait of the way I see the world. Comics just don't do it for me because... I don't have a story I really want to tell. I've always been about creating things... but comics don't feel like creations, they feel like labor that never really 'ends'. Part of my satisfaction in doing something is being able to look at a finished product and say to myself, "I did that." With a comic, I really can't do that since they never finish. I've also attempted to write some games. I'm currently in the process of working on a net playable browser based game, but work is slow because I'm unmotivated. I've also tried coding in C/C++ to actually write a shooter and an RPG but I'm currently at a wall when it comes to trying to decode and render 3d models. It just feels like it's impossible for anyone to be an "individual" anymore. I could be good at something, but chances are, someone else has already done it better or an actual company has invested 2.5 billion dollars on it and do it regularly. Heck, even celebrities don't becomes celebrities anymore... they have spin doctors, marketting people, research people, audience directors... all to make a 'celebrity' popular. I'm not saying I want to be popular... I just don't know what I want to do. I like doing so much but it feels like no one really cares whether or not I do anything. I mean, when ever I have any 'problems' as it were, I do get a lot of positive support from my fans out there, which I greatly appreciate... and I've met a lot of very cool and interesting people who seem to all have purpose and goals to their life... When I was younger, I chose set my life up in a way that I could work in my life to make other people's lives happy. I'm not saying I'd save them from being sad... I just wanted to be able to make people smile, in simplest terms. I guess I've just reached a point in my life where I'm not sure what I can do to make myself happy. I mean, I am "happy" by definition because I'm not "sad". I just feel like there's so much I want to do... I just can't do it. It'll either take to long or someone else can do it better or it'll cost too much money or I just don't have the right resources. I still try, of course... it just takes me a while and usually, I end up stuck at holding patterns until I figure out how to overcome certain obstacles. What does this all mean? Absolutely nothing... this is just my personal rant space that I decided to fill since I was taking a nice relaxing bath today and decided to stop and evaluate my life up to this point. Does that make sense? To be happy yet depressed? Who knows. There'll soon be a new chapter in my life, it seems. My brother has moved off to Reno, I've been moved out of my parents house and probably soon, I shall move to Texas. E-chan has graduated and started working, Jon will soon graduate and move to Japan. A-sama got laid off and is currently looking for work with sad possibilities he may move back down south until he can find work. Kingsley is going back to school and Jeff may be having some difficulties at his workplace with possible downsizing. Strangely enough, of all the people I know, Sean has always been the most stable. Kudos to Sean. ^_^ Who knew our resident overwhelming evil would be so good for us all? Perhaps we should all take his lifestyle into account and be more like him. Be more evil... you know, since it probably has a good pension plan. I’ll Miss You Most of All, Scarecrow.

[^Young^] - 3:31 AM PST

Dang bro. I feel the same. Lotta things are changing and happening. People are going in their separate ways and doing stuff. Guess it is part of growing up. I've met people and then lost contact with them and then sometime meet them again years later. It's funny. But I think it's something we've no control of or something we shouldn't feel guilty about. Stuff happens, things change, we make decsions for these things cause we gotta make a living somehow. But dude. I never felt that you were trying to distance yourself from us. You just needed sometime to figure stuff out and do stuff for your own benefit which is alright. I see you online all the time though we don't talk much but heck, when you send me a link with a new drawing of some chick, that's good enough. Plus those times inviting me to Del Taco runs even though sometimes I couldn't make it or I wasn't home cause of work. Little stuff like that make me so appreciative of the friends I have. Then there was the last LAN party. We had a blast. Plus the times I go over to your place to hang out, even though we don't do much it just good to be there lying on the floor while hearing you guys typing clicking away working on stuff or surfing 4chan. It's always nice to have a place to go to and hang out. I should go over more often. But it's not your fault man. Lack of money and lack of job and the overwhelming circumstances, you have to stand back and ask yourself what you have to do to make it out there. Nekobox has came a long way. Despite the missing story or plot I think you put it best when you said it was for your own entertainment and something your friends could relate to and make them happy. You've succeeded in that. Though some readers may think webcomics need some kind of story or plot to drive it I think the most important thing is what you, the creator, get from it. I think the webcomic community has brought so many people together cause they can relate. Even though they are not part of the webcomic creator's life or friends with the webcomic creator people who read webcomics can relate cause we share similar lives and styles. I read other comics and read rants and can totally relate to what they feel. I too face obstacles when I think about creating something. I always think way too ahead of myself and worry if something will work or not then I get stuck in an endless cycle where I can't do one thing until I have this thing done. That's why I haven't really done much. I guess I also lack confidence. But I see you Young and you have so much confidence. You've put so much into Nekobox over the year. The other day I went into your gallery and saw the link to the years of art you did. 1995 to 2004. That's like ten years of drawing stuff and posting it up on the web and selling some of that stuff. Something I wanted to do and should've done but never done. I look back at all the years I've wasted and all the potential I had but never did anything about it. I always try to tell myself that I should do my own webcomic or redo my site but I'm holding myself back and wussing out. Shoot, I haven't built a kit for years man. I guess it's just a matter of self discipline, sitting down and getting started. So many ideas I had but never went through. Yep, things are changing indeed. Guess it's a part of life. My sister might be having a kid soon. That's gonna be weird. Guess we should embrace this time we have. But regardless when people go away it won't end there. There's always contact through e-mail. Plus we can still visit Louis cause Reno is only a four hour drive. And I can always fly to Texas and visit you. And then there will be conventions and stuff we could get together for. Well eventually get use to this change. Heck, I remember when everyone graduated from highschool and Young and Louis moved to Southern California to go to college. I thought it was the end of the world. Then four years later they came back. Now if Earth was gonna be attacked by aliens or be smashed by a meteor or the third world war errupts then I'd be more concerned.

[^o0Kynger0o^] - 1:08 PM PST

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