I've been thinking about this whole bachelor thing. Acutally, I've been thinking about this whole love thing. I can relate to how Jase feels about it. How it's frustrating to date and find people and stuff. Read some of the stuff about romance on his site and I totally understood what he wrote. I never had a girlfriend either. Most of the girls I know or knew were just friends. Yeah, heh heh, the friend zone sux. I don't know where I'm going on about this rant. I guess I want to share an experience I went through that had to deal with love.
A year ago...well, actually two years ago a girl liked me. She told me online. Let's name her C-chan to protect her identity. However she also liked a friend of mine too who we'll call Fucker. Anyway, before all that happen, C-chan, Fucker and I would hang out a lot and stuff. I liked C-chan and I could also tell that Fucker liked her too. I could sense that this would cause something terrible to happen to our friendships. I did want to tell C-chan that I liked her but was too chicken shit to do so. That and because my streak with women was really bad. Fucker told me that he liked C-chan and I encouraged him to ask her out. Mind you, when I first met Fucker, I really didn't like him. He was really annoying and stupid. But being the nice guy I am, or maybe was, I like to give people chances and at least try to find and see the good in people. Thus how I befriended Fucker. I knew that if Fucker and I liked C-chan things would get messy and it would place a heavy burden on C-chan deciding who to choose. So I decided to back away from the situation and let Fucker go in for the kill. Sometime later, C-chan talked to me online and said she liked me. Yeah, I was pretty happy. Unfortunately she also liked Fucker. Damn! That sucked. So I told her that whichever decision she made I still would be her friend. That was a fuckin' lie of course. After days passed I couldn't help but think what a moron I was. I didn't know if C-chan had choosen yet who she wanted to be with. I felt, man, this is an opportunity to at least have a girlfriend finally. I should be more agressive and go in for the kill. Did I do that. No, I was stupid. I sent her an e-mail telling her how I felt and that I would want to be with her and stuff. However I also said that since I was almost out of school and going to work that I wouldn't be able to spend much time with her and since Fucker was still going to school that she should go out with him. Fuck Fuck Fuck FUck fuck!!!! The next day C-chan saw me and said we needed to talk. I already knew that she had made her decision and it wasn't me. Shit. Later on when we were going home I noticed that C-chan didn't drive to school that day. She said that she was going to get a ride home with Fucker. C-chan lived in the same city I did and Fucker lived further from us. Actually C-chan lived only a few blocks from me at this time. Here's when I became desperate, frantic and stupid. I kept on insisting giving her a ride home but she kept on refusing politely. I kept on finding excuses and reasons but she still refused. In the back of my head though I knew what had just happened but I didn't want to accept it. Finally, I decided to go to Fucker's place with them. What awaited me was the most gut wrenching, heart tearing and breaking experience I had never experienced before. We were in Fuckers room at his place. C-chan decided to talk to me in private so Fucker went into another room. So I heard the bad news from her. I felt...I don't know. Just really really bad that day. Just like the lowest low you can ever experience. She told me she was with Fucker. Of course I told her that I would still be her friend, more lies. Then Fucker came into the room. There was something in his eyes though. It was as if he was telling me "Ha ha! I won and you lost!" I wanted to hit him but I couldn't. And then they held hands and Fucker told me how much he loved C-chan and gave her a peck on the cheek. I couldn't really move at this point, nor cry or yell. I guess I was too shocked at what had just happened. But I also saw something in C-chans eyes, even though she couldn't muster the courage to look at me anymore. It was like she was apologizing. It was only when I got home I was able to cry. I couldn't sleep that night. Heck, I couldn't sleep for the next few weeks. Worst of all it was my last trimester in school and I had huge projects going on and having this looming over my head didn't really help. Especially seeing them together on campus. One time I walked in the student lounge and they were eating one cup of ramen together. I don't know how I made it through that trimester nor for the rest of the year to come. I guess it was my buddy James that helped me out a lot. We made a bet, well, not really a bet. But he said that they wouldn't last a year. He didn't like Fucker that much either and said the way he is, C-chan will eventually break-up with him. Of course I had many doubts. For me, the world ended. But still, I knew I had to graduate and work after that. Thinking back I thought she would've definitely picked me because I helped her a lot with her school work. Fucker helped her too but not much. In fact, I also helped Fucker with his projects. Also I felt I was more capable of stuff that Fucker was. Fucker was always naive about things and didn't take things seriously. But then after what happened I began to doubt myself and the person I was. I kept on asking myself and I even real to other people or fake? There were times when I tried to accept the fact that they were together. I tried hanging out with them but seeing that they were always holding hands just made me more depressed and sick. So I decided to distance myself from them. But that was hard too cause I still wanted to talk to C-chan. But I felt Fucker was always in the way and didn't want me around her. Fast forward to a little under a year. So I was working now and graduated. But still I kept on thinking about what happened. I received an instant message from C-chan. I've talked to her on and off. She told me that she broke up with Fucker. I guess I was surprised and hopeful. Hoping that I would have a chance with her this time. Turned out things were fine the first few months of the relationship but things got sour. Fucker became possesive and controlling in the relationship and isolated C-chan from people and things. That same day I was at the gym with my buddy James and told him what happened. He was right. They didn't last a year. I felt a little better but I still was miffed at what happened. Eventually, C-chan and I started hanging out again this time without Fucker. I wanted to ask her if she was still interested in me but was still chicken shit to do so. Finally I got the courage to tell her that I still had feelings for her but she told me that she couldn't promise me anything. She told me that so much shit happened in her relationship with Fucker that it held her back from doing things she needed to do and take care of. I was angry because here she was, available, but couldn't promise me anything. But I held back. At least I was still her friend. But like I said the friend zone sux. But then she told me that even if any guy would've ask her out she would still say no. Very frustrating. To this day we still talk and hang out. I still like her and want her more as a friend. I don't know if that is something that I can ever have or not. I hope that one day I could. However one thing that I fear is that if I can't and she ends up with someone else, I wonder if I could still be her friend. I know I should and I could but you know how it is with feelings. I already went through hell seeing her be with someone else and I don't think I could or want to see that again thus I probably would have to end the friendship. But for now, we're good friends and it's the only thing I have and can hold on too and cherish.
I think a lot about what happened then. Maybe I should've been more aggressive and sweep her off her feet before Fucker did. I should've been more selfish than looking out for other people. Heh heh, hence the old say "Nice guys finish last." Sometimes I wonder if that was suppose to happened. Maybe she needed a taste of a horrible relationship. It's scary though. Sometimes I wonder if she choose me instead of Fucker, would I have become possessive and controlling in the relationship? There were some things I saw in Fucker that I saw in myself. It was like that darker side of me, the person who was insecure and got jealous easily. Maybe Fucker had no control of it and not realize it but at least I would be able to realize it in myself. Maybe all these event were suppose to happen and in the future C-chan and I will end up together. I don't know. I feel a better sharing this on Nekobox. I guess I wanted to tell this story for a long time but I just didn't know how to tell it.
Well Jase. Hope that you find that someone with this Bachelor thing. I can really relate on how you feel about romance and stuff. Just gotta keep fighting. But they do say it'll happen when you're not looking. But that's kinda hard when we are always looking. Heh heh. Here's to all the singles nice guys out there who are stuck in the friend zone.
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