DragonPaladin BLEGH stress bad... Ok, I'm about to lose my mind here, so...right. My girlfriend is under bad. Realllly bad. Her bulimia is still strong, and I'm afraid she's been toying with cutting. My friend Emmy also has it pretty damn bad. She's a heavy cutter and her mom treats her like absolute crap. Thing is, BOTH of them are in other states. Now they've both been relying on me to turn to for support/to get a load of their minds, and now I'm getting problem of my own, and EVERYTHING is piling on at me at once. I'm starting to fear for my already fragile sanity, and I already took the precaution of hiding all sharp objects in my room "just in case." So, um...any advice for what I can do? Naru Narusegawa Hmm... well, there are a couple factors you should take into consideration. First off, how do you know these girls are telling you the truth? Both seem pretty extreme and they could just telling you these things in a way to get attention from you. Girls can be pretty manipulative that way. Naru Narusegawa Assuming they're telling the truth, then comes up two other things to consider. First off, they're using you as... well... what is commonly called an 'emotional tampon'. They're dumping all their worries and troubles on to you. Especially because they're online and distant, they should really be finding a) someone local that can b) help. Someone like a real life friend or counsellers or something. Naru Narusegawa But if you are the 'only one' they can turn to, you should probably try one of several things. First off, call them in real life. Confirm they are who they are and try to talk them through it. Talking to a person over the phone is a million times better than trying to help someone over the internet (ironic isn't it?) Secondly, try to find out who they know and try to convince them to talk to them... or perhaps play intervention and talk to their friends yourself. Problems like this can be solved easier with many people who care. Lastly, try to talk to these girls' families. How can you be the first girl's boyfriend if something like being out of state is stopping you? If you really care for her, plan a way to see her and make sure she's alright. This other girl, Emmy... she may have a crappy mother, but most people say that about their parents. Does she have a father? Does she have a sister? In either case, you can't fight a fight for her against her family, you have to give her the courage to deal with it herself. Naru Narusegawa What really peeves me the most is that... well... it sounds like these girls are both 'using' you. I hate to say it, but how well do you really know these girls? It sounds like they dump their problems on you, maybe even make them sound worse then they are, mainly to get attention from you. There are lots of people out there who do that and they do it because it makes them feel 'different' and 'special'. It's a downhill spiral but most people go on the internet as a kind of an 'escape'... but sometimes, they lie about themselves to make themselves feel better... or if things really are that bad, they never confront them and continue to escape and things just get worse. Naru Narusegawa Try your best to stay focus and collected though. I mean, it's one thing to care about these people and to "date" them... but if they're really just using you like this, do you really want to be their friends, let alone dating one of them? Can you see yourself with these type of people a month from now... or a year from now... or even 5 years from now? Naru Narusegawa Try your best to help them the way you can... by caring. Don't put too much of yourself into it because you need to take care of yourself too. They aren't much of friends if they don't care about you as much as you care about them. If they stress you out that much, you have to start asking yourself what their friendship really means to you, right? DragonPaladin I've been calling both of them (phone bills = EVIL!) and I know that they arn't fake. My girlfriend and I have been together for quiet some time (I posted about her when I used to go here once or twice) and I know she's been struggling with eating disorders for a long time. While she's no longer anorexic and her bulimia is slightly going down, little by little, I'm very afraid of her turning towards cutting to relieve stress; I used to do that, I KNOW what it can lead to. I've been TRYING to get a visit to her but MY parents stand in the way. Both of them dislike the idea of me having a relationship, much less a long distance one, and my mom has decided to hate her. Well, my mom hates EVERYONE, but she especially hates my girlfriend. Now that I have my permit, I'm counting the days (er, months) until I get my driver's liscense and I can drive down to see her; even if it is a bit of a drive (South Cali to Tucson). Of course, I wouldn't exactly be "welcomed" back into my house but...eh, I'll figure it out somehow. As for Emmy, I've met her mom, and her mom scares me. And I'm not someone who scares easily. She's never calm, she's always harsh about everything-hell, she reminds me of MY mom, and that's something I don't want ANYone else to go through. Her brother's a high-school drop out/drug abuser and her mom constantly tries to link both her and her brother together; Emmy has absolutly no trust at all around her house, which is ironic because she's a good kid. A few times her mom has outright told her to lock herself in her room, since she wasn't allowed to leave the house and didn't want to be around her brother. Her cutting problem is starting to go down as well, but I'm still really worried and I know that if something happened-even if it was a very small thing-she might start getting worse again. Oh, and I worded that badly. It's not that they, the people, are stressing me out; it's life in general. This is my senior year in high school and I'm basically getting help from a few of my friends as tutors since my Pre-Calc and Physics teacher (same guy) confuses the hell out of me. This does not help my brain. LASTLY, something I didn't say in the last post 'cause I thought it was getting too long **reads over this post, notes his hypocrasy** is MY parents. Wow. To make a very long story short, they're both going out of their way to do as much to me as possible. My mom yells at me from the moment she gets home to when I go to bed, my dad grounds me everytime I walk the wrong way, and my sister and brother are allowed to practically murder me without any reprecussions. **catches his breath** anyways...um...help? Naru Narusegawa Well, it sounds like you've given everything a lot of thought. Before you can help someone else with their life, you should first figure out how to help yourself. If you've really tried talking with your folks about how you feel and they just don't listen, try writing them a letter. Heck, just cut and paste what you've just written to us, clean it up a bit, put it in an envelope and leave it on a desk your parents use or something. Your parents love you and are doing what they think is the best for you. In their experience, they want you to be happy, and a long distance relationship with a girl who is bulemic and a potential cutter doesn't sound exactly like a perfect match. They probably see you as a "kid" (especially since you just mentioned you can't drive) and want you to try and experience life a bit easier before being thrust into such a real relationship. Naru Narusegawa I think part of your problems would be solved but it'll take a lot of hard work on your part. You have to convince your parents that you're grown up. Growing up takes time and trying to show your parents that you can handle the responsibility of a relationship and helping others as well as taking care of yourself is going to be hard. DragonPaladin But my parents refuse to listen. Hell, my Lit teacher last year flat out TOLD them I was the most mature and responsible in the class, and they LAUGHED. **sighs** I don't really wanna get into my little history here, but my mom has always been like this. Never supportive, never trusting, nothing. It's like she doesn't want me as a kid. And my dad...psh, he's just never cared too much at all. Which is better then my mom's hate...I think. Like I said, I'd rather not get into my past unless you want me to. What I guess I'm trying to say is, I doubt-severely-that they'll EVER care/see me as mature. Back when I used to cut, my mom saw the cuts once when I was leaving the shower, and didn't saw anything. She just nodded when she saw me leave in a hoodie, like all that matters was that other's couldn't see it. Naru Narusegawa Hmm... that's definately a hard thing to figure out then. Part of being mature means being able to see your own position and being able to see where to go next. If you honestly think it'd be best for you to learn to drive so you can move out and help others, then that'd have to be the best decision for you... each of us have our own paths to take, you just have to believe in the one you take and find the strength to follow through. Naru Narusegawa In a situation like this, the best we can do is listen to your problem and offer our suggestions but it sounds like you're in a tough situation and you have to make a tough decision in any case. I guess part of not accepting you're mature is because they can't see that you're mature. It's one thing for a teacher to say it because a teacher only sees one facet of your existance... but your folk see the side which cuts yourself to deal with things and maybe it's because of things like that, they can't really come to terms with how 'mature' you claim to be... maybe? Naru Narusegawa Maybe also what it is... people never really can try to see something until they see it. If a person is flawless, you never really notice they have no flaws. If a person messes up once, all you can ever remember is that they've messed up... you don't really ever see when they're being flawless again. That's why I say it'll be hard if you wanna win them over... you can't just tell them and expect them to believe you... you have to be mature and hope one day, something you do makes them stop and realize that you are mature. Part of being mature means not letting their view, that they don't think you're mature yet, affect you. It means living your life and respecting your own decisions and most importantly... living with the consequences. You'll also have to deal with the inevitable truth that you are... well... young. Maturing can happen at different rates but they must all happen over time. If you're stressing out over trying to help your out-of-state girlfriend and your friend who is or may become a cutter... well, you're not mature yet. Someone mature wouldn't stress about the problem... they'd go out and do something about it. Naru Narusegawa If you haven't learned to drive yet, you haven't even had a quarter life crisis. Take things slow and try your best to realize you have at least sixty more years to really 'mature'... and from this point of view, you might always be just a 'kid' to your folks.